The follow are excerpts from "It was a dark and stormy night" compiled by Scott Rice. "The funniest opening sentences from the worst novels ever written":
"'The leg, he is fractured,' he said in broken English."
"What can you say about the twenty-five-year-old manatee that died?"
"Malcolm knew what everyone thought of him, but the days of being a four-eyed bookworm were gone and he was charged like an eel biting a fuse box as he carefuly loaded the suppositories with the sensitive, heat activated nitroglycerin."
"Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch,scratch---thats all I heard in a year of sleeping with a veterinarian."
"It was dry and he was hard, which about sums up the marriage in more ways than one."
Random funny videos (of the moment):
Random funny pictures: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
These are facts I found on Snapple Caps called Real Facts. Here are a few interesting ones:
#46: Elephants are the only mamals that can't jump.
#40: It is possible to lead a cow up stiars but not down stairs.
#52: 11% of the people in the world are left handed.
#28: Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
#29: On average a person will spend 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
#59: Brain waves can be used to run an electric train.
#172: An eye makes movements 50 times a second.
#37: A snail breathes through it's foot.
#99: You burn 20 calories per hour chewing gum.
#163: The first penny had the motto "Mind your own business".
#10: Mosquitos are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
#170: In 1878, the first telephone book ever issued contained only 50 names.
#208: Add up the opposing sides of a dice cube and you'll always get seven.
#109: Smelling bananas and or apples can help you lose weight.
#102: A one minute kiss burns 26 calories.
#84: Oysters can change from one gender to another and back again.
These are excerpts from "Oddballs and eccentrics" by Karl Shaw.
In 1992 Pennsylvanian judge Charles Guyer was sacked after a hidden video camera recorded him offering a novel form of plea-bargaining; he offered convicted men lighter sentences if they allowed him to shampoo their hair.
Henry VI used to motivate his troops by having nuns stripped and smeared with honey, then decorated with feathers and sent on horseback through the ranks of cheering men.
Every morning without fail Sir Astley Cooper, surgeon to George IV and the Duke of Wellingston, rose between five and siz AM and dissected two corpses before breakfast. If Sir Astley couldn't get hold of a fresh human cadaver, London Zoo would occasionally chip in with a dead elephant.
From childhood the Victorian "nonsense poet" and artist Edward Lear suffered from what he called "The Demon" epilepsy or "The Morbids", a state of mind which he always attriputed to excessive masterbation.
Gustav Mahler (1860-1911), famous for his funeral marches, had a morbid fixation about death. He wrote his first funeral march when he was six.
When the mistress of the ninteenth-century French novelist "Eugene" Sue died, she willed her skin with instructions that he bind a book with it. He did.
In Hong Kong 32-year-old self-prclaimed "knight of God" Syed Atta Muhammad was committed to a secure unit after he assualted a young female tour guide. He explained that her breasts were too big to serve God because they made her look like a prostitute.
These dumb U.S. laws are according to the website dumblaws.com.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
Honking one’s car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law.
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
Children may not wear a halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.
