This page is dedicated to random funny things!

The follow are excerpts from "It was a dark and stormy night" compiled by Scott Rice. "The funniest opening sentences from the worst novels ever written":
"'The leg, he is fractured,' he said in broken English."
"What can you say about the twenty-five-year-old manatee that died?"
"Malcolm knew what everyone thought of him, but the days of being a four-eyed bookworm were gone and he was charged like an eel biting a fuse box as he carefuly loaded the suppositories with the sensitive, heat activated nitroglycerin."
"Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch,scratch---thats all I heard in a year of sleeping with a veterinarian."
"It was dry and he was hard, which about sums up the marriage in more ways than one."

Random funny pictures:

COOKIE PACKAGE / BERKELEY LETTER / PITA EATING DIRECTIONS / PRIVATE TIMES / CAR TABLE / ASEMBLIES / CAPE FEAR / ELEPHANTS / LIVE GATORS / CROC EAT BABY / OLIVE GARDEN / ELIZABETH TAYLOR / DRUNKEN PEOPLE / THAT COULDA BEEN YOUR FACE / VIOLATORS / HITCHHIKERS / FUCK YO COUCH NIGGA / RETARDED TYRA / SOTP / KERMIT / CARLTON DANCE
These are facts I found on Snapple Caps called Real Facts. Here are a few interesting ones:

#46: Elephants are the only mamals that can't jump.
#40: It is possible to lead a cow up stiars but not down stairs.
#52: 11% of the people in the world are left handed.
#28: Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
#29: On average a person will spend 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
#59: Brain waves can be used to run an electric train.
#172: An eye makes movements 50 times a second.
#37: A snail breathes through it's foot.
#99: You burn 20 calories per hour chewing gum.
#163: The first penny had the motto "Mind your own business".
> #170: In 1878, the first telephone book ever issued contained only 50 names.
#208: Add up the opposing sides of a dice cube and you'll always get seven.
#109: Smelling bananas and or apples can help you lose weight.
#102: A one minute kiss burns 26 calories.
#84: Oysters can change from one gender to another and back again.
These are excerpts from "Oddballs and eccentrics" by Karl Shaw.
In 1992 Pennsylvanian judge Charles Guyer was sacked after a hidden video camera recorded him offering a novel form of plea-bargaining; he offered convicted men lighter sentences if they allowed him to shampoo their hair.
Henry VI used to motivate his troops by having nuns stripped and smeared with honey, then decorated with feathers and sent on horseback through the ranks of cheering men.
Every morning without fail Sir Astley Cooper, surgeon to George IV and the Duke of Wellingston, rose between five and siz AM and dissected two corpses before breakfast. If Sir Astley couldn't get hold of a fresh human cadaver, London Zoo would occasionally chip in with a dead elephant.
From childhood the Victorian "nonsense poet" and artist Edward Lear suffered from what he called "The Demon" epilepsy or "The Morbids", a state of mind which he always attriputed to excessive masterbation.
Gustav Mahler (1860-1911), famous for his funeral marches, had a morbid fixation about death. He wrote his first funeral march when he was six.
When the mistress of the ninteenth-century French novelist "Eugene" Sue died, she willed her skin with instructions that he bind a book with it. He did.
In Hong Kong 32-year-old self-prclaimed "knight of God" Syed Atta Muhammad was committed to a secure unit after he assualted a young female tour guide. He explained that her breasts were too big to serve God because they made her look like a prostitute.
These dumb U.S. laws are according to the website dumblaws.com.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
Honking one’s car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law.
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
Children may not wear a halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.
Stuff to read...

10 questions every girl should ask!
• If women are so "easy" these days, why are date-rape drugs so popular?
• If porn is liberating for women, why do so many chauvenists approve of it?
• Do adult women wax off their pubic hair to attract the growing numbers of male pedophiles in the world?
• Why do female pop stars need to change their images while male pop stars need only change their songs?
• If women on the verge of starvation are the ideal of beauty, why aren't models recruited from famine-stricken countries?
• If women are so "manipulative" than how come more of them aren't in politics?
• Why is doing anything "like a girl" a bad thing--even for a girl?
• If women get raped because they ask for it, why don't they ever get equal pay, equal opportunities, and other things they ask for?
• Why is women's underware marketed to men?
• Why did viagra hit the market before a male oral contraceptive?

10 reasons Gay Marriage is wrong
• Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
• Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
• Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
• Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
• Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
• Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
• Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
•Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
• Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
• Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

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